Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
