i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
