Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
