I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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