I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
