when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
