no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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