i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
