I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
