So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
