3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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