I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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