Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
