Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
