I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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