Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
