I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
