I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
