I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
