Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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