There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
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I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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