Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
