I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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