Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
