Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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