I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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