omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.