Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
3 2 1 whiskey
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
