How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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