is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
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You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
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I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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