and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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