he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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