i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
