Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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