I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
