Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
