Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
