He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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