I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
