I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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