I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
