420 ftw
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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