Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
