so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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