____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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