respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
