I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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