so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
