I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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