No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
