Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
