I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
