Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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