how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
