I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
