Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
